I Am Not Prepared For This....

I was in the middle of writing another blog article last night when I went in to tuck Pam into bed for the night.  During that process we had a conversation that alarmed me and one that I was not prepared for.  I thought that by learning the symptoms and timeline for the disease, that I was preparing myself for what was to come.  What I have learned tonight is that I might be intellectually prepared, but not emotionally prepared.

There is little I can do to stop the progress of the dementia and I view my role as one of maintaining her comfort and her safety.  So I often ask her if there is anything I can do for her or get for her.  Tonight she responded in the affirmative.  She said that I could get her memory back for her.  She admitted that she is starting to have trouble remembering who is family and who isn't.  She mumbled something about not knowing if it was our granddaughter and great grandson.   Considering that we have five grandsons and no granddaughters, I wasn't sure what she was talking about.  It took a few more questions before I understand what she was saying.

I asked if she knew who Elijah's mother was.  And she knew that it was Allyson.  I then asked if she remembered who Noah's mother was.  She tripped through all three daughters before she settled on Courtney.  Correct.  I then asked who Keelan's mother was and she was stumped.  She admitted that when Kendra and Keelan were here for dinner on Thursday, she wasn't sure who they were.  Maybe she was our granddaughter she thought.  I will say that it was not at all evident on Thursday night that she had those doubts.  And then the shocker... she said that she didn't expect to make it until next Christmas.  I know that she has been well aware of her situation, but this is the first time that I heard her talk about mortality like this.

I am not prepared for this.   I had felt that her cognitive issues had leveled off (for now) and was focused on the more visible, physical symptoms.  I probably should have been aware that her memory loses continued.  For the past couple of weeks, all conversations referencing Bruce, were in third-person. In the past, she has mentioned that there were several Bruce's , so when she references me in third-person, I usually ask which Bruce does she think I am.  She just laughs... without answering.

I understand that we are all mortal.  We will all die. But I am still dealing with the emotions of the loss of our plans to live the RV lifestyle, our dreams to check off destinations on the bucket list, our loss of fun times together with friends, and our quiet, intimate times alone.  It is not that I feel like I am losing out on those things.  The sadness is that WE are losing out on those things.  I have no qualms about being there to help her get dressed, to shower, any of that.  That is what we signed up for more than fifty years ago.  We wrote our own vows, so we did not have the typical "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death does us part", but that is what was meant.  I am completely good with all that.  What I am not able to deal with is seeing her decline physically and mentally.  I can't talk about it to others without tearing up.

More than one person in the support group that I am in has sought help to deal with these feelings.  I just don't know if I am ready for that.  Originally, I was reluctant to join the support group.  Just not a support group kinda guy, I said.  But I have found it to be enormously helpful, as has writing this blog.  I am not prepared for this!